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Skinny Knickers, yo.

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Sometimes lately I feel alone... [03:16>>Wed]
[Sep 06 '06]

[ mood | alone ]

Yeah, it's true. I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to except John and my family except none of them are here. I feel so out of the loop with everyone at school. I don't know why. I feel like Steph and Kara are the best of friends now and that sometimes I just get in their way. I bet it's just me and Steph is less open with me lately because she's really stressed and she always closes off to people when she's stressed. She deals with problems internally. But it seems like she's still open with Kara. I just feel like there's a wall. And I'm afraid if I bring it up, they'll think I'm needy (because I was needy last semester and I swore off being needy) or that their won't be any problem and they'll just think I'm insecure. I don't know maybe one or both of those are true. Am I needy? Am I insecure? Am I just PMSing? Am I depressed? It just feels like we're growing a part (this was expected), we're branching out into our own worlds. But it's like God's providing everyone else with replacement friends except me. All of my new friends are seniors and in their upper upper level classes so I never see them. Maybe this is God's way of getting me to rely completely on Him. Maybe He's breaking me? I just want someone to talk to.

2 wanted to raise a voice >>

I don't know... [03:51>>Fri]
[Sep 01 '06]

[ mood | distraught ]

I am in a pickle. It's really not that big of a deal, but it did throw me for a loop. John got the job with Lowe's and just found an apartment today. In fact, he's signing the paperwork and everything right now. He is planning on moving in this Sunday and Monday and asked me to come with him and his mom to help and see the place he will be living and working. I really would like to do that. I am so excited for him and this would be the most convenient time for me to see his new place.
But I had tentative plans with my roommates this weekend. I feel a little distant from them lately, because they both went and worked at the same camp this summer and are always talking about it and how much they miss it. I love that they went to camp and had a great time, but I feel a little left out. I feel so out of the loop in my relationships with both of them. Right now Steph and I are just sitting here in complete silence on our computers. And everytime I try to talk to her, she seems to be more interested in the computer than in me. Maybe I'm over analyzing this whole thing. I think she's just stressed at the upcoming big stuff in her life, but I wish she would talk to me about it instead of closing herself off.
Anyway, I was looking forward to a nice long relaxing weekend of little traveling and a few adventures and bonding time with my roomies and reconnect with them. But then this came up, and I really want to go and see John's new place and reassure him in this big step in his life, but other than Friday night and Saturday (I'm working 6 hours of tomorrow) I would spend pretty much no time with my roommates and the rest of it with John and his mom (a lot of it with his mom).
I need some advice from you girls. I don't know if anyone reads this journal anymore, but if they do please help. I don't know what to do. Actually typing this all out, has given me insight as to what I should do, but I hate completely dissapointing one side. I hate dissapointing my friends, I want them all to feel loved and appreciated and important to me. I wish there was a win win, but I feel like I have to choose.

raise a voice >>

[May 11 '06]

People who pretend they are perfect Christians and have never committed a "big" sin bother me. For instance my suitemate. Great girl, love her lots. But she claims that until recently she had never struggled with doing her quiet time with God. She's been a Christian for about as long as I have and there has got to be some night where she did not do her quiet time or did not feel like she was in God's very presence.

To my knowledge she has never struggled with a "big" sin: sexual, drinking, cussing, even dishonoring her parents. She refuses to be assertive with anyone for fear that it may cause conflict. When she does get into a conflict with someone she insists that she is not angry with the person at all. IT'S OKAY TO GET ANGRY WITH PEOPLE! You just have to control what you do with that.

Whenever I or anyone else tries to be honest about our feelings and our struggles with sin she acts shocked and concerned for us that we have such strong feelings and sinful struggles. It's really annoying because she doesn't mean it but it feels like judgement because she can't relate.

I just needed to get that out.
3 wanted to raise a voice >>

Good Times [08:15>>Sat]
[Apr 08 '06]

[ mood | happy ]

I just got the new Great Big Sea album. It's like, so good. It makes me smile. :) Also, spring break makes me smile. Yes, Cal State Northridge as well as Victor Valley College finally went on spring break. It makes me even happier. :) I really hope I get a car this weekend, or next weekend. :) Not getting my hopes to high though. My dad is never consistant about things like this. I have to keep reminding myself that it took him longer to buy a golf cart then a house. Gosh.

raise a voice >>

The Monologues [12:14>>Mon]
[Mar 13 '06]

[ mood | crazy ]

They were amazing. But I can't say it well enough, so go here and click on entertainment and the the Monologue article to read more about it. You might find something very interesting in it.

1 wanted to raise a voice >>

More on Vagina [02:34>>Thu]
[Mar 09 '06]

[ mood | cheerful ]

OMD!!! We got a standing ovation last night!!!!!! I hope Friday night is as good!

raise a voice >>

Vagina [09:57>>Tue]
[Mar 07 '06]

[ mood | anxious ]

Today is the opening day of the Vagina Monologues. Wish me luck . . .

2 wanted to raise a voice >>

More Reasons of My Life [12:41>>Mon]
[Feb 20 '06]

[ mood | happy ]

Reasons My Life Rocks Right Now:

1. Snow and I had a good long talk, everything's cool again. :)

2. I'm doing super well in my classes. :)

3. My hummanities professor totally loves Lost and loves my idea for my paper. :)

4. I get to watch Lost for CLASS!!! :)

5. I've memorized all of my lines for my Vagina Monologues part. :)

6. It's warmer today. :)

7. I have a pirate flag on my wall. :)

8. I'm making way more friends here at school through the Vagina Monologues. :)

9. Norma and Shawntel are the coolest roomies ever. :)

Reasons My Life Totally Doesn't Rock Right Now:

1. Ebony is the most annoying person in the world. :(

2. Only got six hours of sleep due to Ebony and her friend. :(

3. Woke up with a stranger in the next bed. :(

4. Tripping over Ebony's junk all day. :(

5. My other speech professor was in a really bad car accident and died. :(

6. I have no idea when I'm gonna get a new car. :(

7. I have my first Film Aethics test next week and I'm freaking.:(

Well, the good out number the bad, so I'm gonna be happy! :)

raise a voice >>

[Feb 18 '06]

It sounds like we all need each other right now, huh? I am in so much mental anguish right now...and I am so homesick it hurts. I'm praying hard for you guys that since I can't be there physically for you, God would send someone else in my place. He cares for each of us. Hard to believe sometimes, but thankfully his affection doesn't rest on our faith (or lack thereof). But He is steady and unchanging. I don't know where this is going. Just rambling now. I love you guys. Hang in there!
raise a voice >>

emptiness [04:01>>Fri]
[Feb 17 '06]

I made a mistake, forgive me please God forgive me. I need something tangible letting me know it's going to be ok. Why doesn't God have IM or aim? I know I can talk to him but I need Him to talk back. I feel so empty inside.

I Feel Blah [05:36>>Wed]
[Feb 15 '06]

[ mood | blah ]

Ugh, I'm having an awful day. Well, make that two days.

Reasons for feeling blah:

1. Yesterday, Valentines Day, I didn't even get an Ecard from my boyfriend.

2. My iTunes isn't working properly. Sounds like a cd skipping only there's no cd in there. Ugh.

3. I have my first Astronomy test on Friday.

4. I have a paper due in Music in Film due Monday.

5. I have a quiz in Music in Film Monday.

6. I have a bizillion things to do this week in the homework department.

7. I might not get my new car 'cause the insurence company hasn't called my dad yet and the dude at the dealership is trying to mess with my dad.

8. Feeling extremely unloved by the bf right now.

9. I just feel icky about life right now.

2 wanted to raise a voice >>

Well, Dang it. [01:23>>Sat]
[Feb 04 '06]

[ mood | bouncy ]

Last weekend was unfortunately rather eventful. I was going back to school on saturday, and I totalled my car. Some chick decided she wanted to be where I was, except I was still there. Through my best efforts I tried to avoid her, but after hitting the rumble strips on the side of the road, I fish tailed and hit the side of her car. I wasn't my fault, but I misht be charged with the accident because my car did the hitting even though she caused the accident. So I'm offically without a car until the insurance company pays us for the car. But on to better news. . .

Okay, so I went back to school last week. My classes rock. Humanities doesn't suck like I though it would. And due to my Music in film class and film aesthics classes, no one will ever be able to watch a movie with me again. But I've done nothing but read all week, so I'm kind've tired of it. But, alast, I still have two chapters to read for Film Aesthics, and then I must start my speech paper. Ugh, I love college, depise homework.

2 wanted to raise a voice >>

References to Captivating so just bear with me. [12:01>>Fri]
[Jan 20 '06]

[ mood | creative ]

I watched "You've Got Mail" last night (I even made an icon for it, see below, would have made more but the stills I found were crappy) and I absolutely adore those two characters, Joe Fox and Kathleen Kelly. I think the scene where she is sick and Joe comes to visit her and brings her daisies is the perfect example of a man offering strength to a woman and a woman being able to be vunerable and unveil your beauty (interesting how she's sick when she does this). He offers his strength by making her sit down (she's sick) and putting the flowers in a vase, getting her tea, and stopping her from saying something horrible which she'll regret later. All of these things are subtle but important. She is too sick to care what he thinks of her(what she's saying anyway, not in her appearance as evident in the trench coat covering her pjs) and just tells him exactly what he thinks. All of her defenses are down, letting the real her come through. Example: her speech on how everything should be personal, why she loves daisies, and that she doesn't hate Joe and shouldn't say the mean things she has. She even tells Joe about her internet lover even though she's embarrassed.
And then I love their relationship that follows. I love their chemistry and the banter. It's so obvious that they should be together and that they love each other and are meant to be together despite the fact that he owns a boat or put her out of business. And I find myself feeling silly for wishing I could have a relationship like theirs. I feel silly because I know that it's just a movie and life isn't like a movie. But could it be that just this once Hollywood portrayed love right? Could it be that a relationship like theirs isn't just a Hollywood fantasy but does in fact exist in the real world? Could that really exist for me? Or am I just a silly girl? I don't know.
Image hosting by Photobucket

raise a voice >>

Jobless [11:45>>Wed]
[Jan 11 '06]

I have offically quite my job. I did the whole, last day of work, thing, and now I'm done. Snow came to see me this trip, which was really nice. I probably wont get to see him again until the next semester starts, so that's kind've said. :(
Anywho, Char, terribly sorry I didn't call you back, but I was at work. I hope I can see you before I go to Hawaii.
Yes, I'm leaving for Hawaii on Saturday, and I promise to bring you all back wonderful gifts of great islandy goodness. Hehe.

Miss ya'll, and new pics should be up on my facebook or myspace of Snow and me!
raise a voice >>

Satan is attacking my self-esteem [05:04>>Wed]
[Jan 04 '06]

[ mood | discouraged ]

I know this is an attack of Satan but this is how I feel. I started this day very close to God and feeling like myself again. All the soul searching mentioned on my own lj last night (or was it early this morning) was really helping my overall demeanor. I felt like I had found myself again. This afternoon, however, while I listened to my mom and Kyle discuss scholarship options Satan attacked. He has used this before on occasion, it is one of the best ways he can get me. I feel if I voice it though, it will give him less power so here goes.
Sometimes I don't feel very smart, compared to some people. I don't feel I'm very special or have anything much to offer. I don't feel talented of above average even though I know I am. I don't go to some prestigious competitive school. My college is not known for its challenging academics. Not only that but I have the easiest course of study there. I am not athletic, when compared to people who are swimmers I actually suck. I am not gifted with cars, computers, teaching, fashion, decorating, or cooking. I can't really sing even though people once thought I could. And its times like these when I don't think there is anything special about my writing either.
I know this is an attack from Satan but that doesn't change how I feel. I know he's attacking me because all these things aren't true and that he fears me, he fears what God can do with me because I do have something to offer. I know he is attacking me because I was growing closer to God and he wanted to stop that. I know all this in my mind but he whispers lies to my heart discouraging me.
Prayer would be most helpful.

1 wanted to raise a voice >>

[Dec 26 '05]

Goodness, I haven't updated here in a long time, have I? EDIT: after reading back through this entry, I realize it's gotten pretty long and somewhat ranty. Forgive me for that, but I'm not going to cut
it. You can scroll down if you don't want to read.
Let's see...I'm still not really looking forward to next semester: I still only have 12 units of classes, still have no job, and still have a boyfriend who is going to be very very busy with his play (this however has gotten slightly better...it's gone from being an every night of the week rehearsal to less than that. not sure how much less, but it's a start).

All of these things have really been weighing heavily on me as of late, but none so much as the fact that I have recently grown pretty far away from God. I stopped doing my read the bible in a year many many months ago, because it had become something I had to do, and I wasn't learning anything from it. So I stopped, but I never found something else to replace it with. Since then, I've been on a slow but steady spiritual decline (with a few uphills in Northern Ireland and some college stuff that forced me to fall back on God). I've now reached a point where I am really beginning to worry, because my desires have become very inconsistent with God's desires. It scares me.

In this past state, I haven't been able to impact anyone in a positive way. Or at least in a positive, lasting way. And that's the only way that really matters. I feel incredibly guilty about that.  Because
I have been spiritually out of commission, I haven't been able to be there for you guys, my rommate, my other friends, my family, Andrew.  I don't want you to get me wrong--I have learned so much about God this past semester, and there have really been times when he has touched my heart deeply. But lately I've been convicted that there is SO MUCH more out there that I am missing. There is so much to life that is yet untapped. So much joy, love, peace that I am missing out on...by my own choice. Daily, I fail to place myself where God wants me
to be...and daily I see this and fail to change.

I think I am having some intense struggles with the flesh right now. It all boils down to the same battles I have fought my whole life as a Christian: battles against my selfishness, laziness, and pride. These are the battles that I have been neglecting, and consequently am losing.

I'm not sure where I'm going from here...in fact, I'm not even sure why I posted this here.  I suppose it's because I want to be real with you guys.  I want you guys to honestly know where I am in life: I think that's important.  I've been in valleys before, and once I begin to pursue God again, he has always brought me out of them.  In fact, I've definitely gone through much longer and dryer times than this...I suppose that this time around I just feel so much more cynical and jaded.  I'm not sure how to go about pursuing this mysterious love; I don't want to go about it in the ways that I have tried before.  I feel like that would be taking the easy way out.  But maybe not.  I don't know.  Somehow though, it's time for
me to get plugged into my God again.  I have to.  I feel that my very life depends on it.

Why do I seem to fail. [11:38>>Sun]
[Dec 25 '05]

What's wrong with me. I'm not even close to the Christmas spirit. Between being mad at the stupidity of my family and myself, I'm almost literally sick of being home. Already! I mean, this is pathetic, I'm not even looking forward to Hawaii, 'cause I'm gonna be really out of place. And unfornately, I'm more mad at myself then I am at anyone else.
Okay, explaining anger with the familia. My parents and Veronica weren't speaking. They're all still all fake and cranky with each other. Ugh. It's seriously gotten to the point where if they don't get over their crap and try to get along I'm going to disassociate myself with both parties and distance myself from the drama. I mean, seriously, when the silent one gets up and leaves, maybe they'll think about what their doing. I mean, I swear by the end of college I'm gonna end up with an usler, so whatever, why not get it over with.
As for being angery with myself, I only pulled a 3.4 this semester. I got a B- in CTVA,(they give gpa points by +/-), so I'm probably going to end up retaking it if I decide to go into Film Production, to give me that extra edge. I'm so dissapointed with myself I could spit. My parents keep saying that they're proud. You know what, I know their lying. Vern and Steve both made the deans list their first semesters of college. Maybe I'm not made for college.
I allowed myself to be distracted by Snow too. I shouldn't have. I should have known I couldn't stay focused. If I want to succeed, my life needs to consist of nothing but school and work. More school then work.
1 wanted to raise a voice >>

[Dec 25 '05]

[ mood | crazy happy ]

♥ ♥ Merry Christmas ♥ ♥

Yay!! Its Christmas!! MY PARENTS GOT ME A LETTERMANS JAKET!!!!!! Oh man i was so suprised!! I thought i was gunna have to used ALL of my christmas money but my parents bought it fo rme!! oh man that is so great... man now i really wanna go shopping!! REALLY BAD!! lol!! ok i think thats it for now!! It needs to get cold so i can wear my jaket! yAY me!! byyall!!
♥ Cait

2 wanted to raise a voice >>

Working, well, eh. [09:51>>Wed]
[Dec 14 '05]

[ mood | chipper ]

Okay, so I had to work yesterday like always. But it was no big deal, I was opening so I could get off early and study. However, about 30 mins into my shift, Martha, the girl who is suppose to close, calls me, telling me she can't come in. Okay, I call a couple people, find out that no one can cover her full shift. Icing, our sister store, refuses to answer the phone. So what I do? Well, Martha really needed the day off, because her aunt passed away, so I called Jaclyn, who could only come in after 6, then I called Laura and she said she would break me, 'cause I had to take an hour break. So Laura gets there after 8 hours of being in the store by myself. I go on my break, then the ROP gets there, so I have them hold the sales floor while I seperated the 9 boxes of shipment we got that day. Then Jaclyn gets there, and I do the midday deposit, and go home. The 8:30-5:30 shift I was suppose to work turned into the 8:30-7:00 shift. Man, I was tired, and I got to come home and go to a study group for math. Needless to say, yesterday was a very long day.

However, everything seems to be going right for me today. I got an A- on my english portfollio, giving me an A in the class, my math final was a breeze, and the tram was there right when I needed it to be.

So all in all, I'm doing pretty good right now. All I have to do is finish my psych paper, which I'm off to go do!

3 wanted to raise a voice >>

IM BACK BABY!! [10:34>>Sat]
[Dec 10 '05]

I have internet now!! yay me!!
2 wanted to raise a voice >>

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